The lovely time of year has arrived, when being belligerent is acceptable, when falling on your face is understandable, and slurring your words is the cool thing to do.  Oh yes, it is Saint Patrick’s Day and you know its time to do some damage, to your liver and bank account.  But with all of the green beer and whiskey shots, you need to know how to make it through without making a complete shit head of yourself.  That in mind, we have created your Saint Patrick’s Day Survival Guide:

1. Vomiting before noon is never a good idea unless your bulimic. This is one of those few days in the year when you must maximize your partying, but how do you take your St. Patty’s day to the next level if your passed out next to a toilet by 2:30 in the afternoon.  Make sure to pace yourself like Nascar, not sprint like the 100 meter in the Olympics. And between those shots and beers have some water to keep you hydrated for your adventure.
2. Drop the fake accent cool guy. I know its fun to talk like your Sean Connery, but no. HE IS SCOTTISH SO PLEASE STOP.  Don’t be like all the other deusches at the bar pulling out an irish accent and acting like your cool.
3. It is cool to play some Irish music but do not put it on repeat. If I have to hear the Dropkick Murphy’s “Kiss Me, I’m S******ed” one more time I’ll rip the speakers off the wall and throw them in the toilet.  I get it you like them, but mix up your playlist and put on some old school U2 like “Sunday Bloody Sunday”.  Bono is the modern day Irish music star so celebrate him and the rest of U2 loud and clear.
4. “Kiss me I’m Irish” REALLY!!!! Do not wear a button or shirt that says that phrase.  All it really says about you, is that you have a terrible sense of humor or desperation has set in and you must wear it on more than your face and attitude.
5. Get a second opinion. Your loaded, she looks good, your ready to get out of there and make some magic happen.  But wait, you have been fooled before and awoken to the wicked witch of the west staring at you so lovingly.  So before you go and dive into bed with that awful sight ask the bartender for help.  They are most likely sober and more than willing to tell you the truth as long as you toss them a couple extra bucks on the tip.

Now you have the tools to make this a successful Saint Patrick’s Day and please use them to your advantage.  They could save your life.  Or at least from a month or two of ridicule from your friends.

HOBAG

1.) This is not as much a suggestion as it is a rule. STAY WITHIN YOUR SPECIES

Now, every guy out there has watched a few hours of Animal Planet a week, and maybe you felt a little twinge when a cute rhino or giraffe had their big brown eyes on the screen. I understand, but you need to get over it. If gays and lesbians can’t get married, how much of a chance do you have with another species.

2.) DON’T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.

Listen girls and boys, nobody wants you to think they’re easy. They may even say NO ten to twelve times when you ask them out. They’re just being coy. I’ve had girls actually dive under their desks when I arrive un-announced. I find that “hide and seek thing” really quite a turn on. Sometimes you’ll hear stuff like “ That creep won’t leave me alone”, or “Tell him I died.”  That’s so cute. You have to let them know you care by hanging around their residences, jumping out from behind parked cars and saying “Hi, it’s me again.” Remember, “Love means never having been taken into custody.”

3.) THAT ALL IMPORTANT FIRST DATE .

Once you’ve been released from custody and you finally find some loser like yourself who agrees to go out with you, don’t be too anxious. I recommend being anywhere from one to two hours late to pick them up. If they are still there waiting, there’s an excellent chance for some kind of mating later on that evening. It is also important to dress poorly. You ladies out there could score a new outfit immediately if you can embarrass your date enough by what you’re wearing. And, guys, if you look shabby enough the girl might pick up the tab. Choose a site for the date that is far enough from the house so that your date is less likely to call a cab when you go to the restroom (Don’t laugh, that’s happened at least a dozen times to me.)  Another method is to blindfold them, telling them it’s a surprise. Then, they may not actually know where they are. The blindfold thing can get a little tricky, I had to hold a few of them down just to get it on them. Now, when the check arrives at the table, casually slide it towards your date and then go to the restroom. If the check is still unpaid when you return, suggest running out the door to add a little excitement to the evening. Finally when you return to drop them off, make sure that you run around the car fast enough to catch them before they run inside and lock the door.

4.) EATING NO NO’S.

We live in an age now where what we consume is important, so here are a few items to avoid on that first date. * Any large quantity of prunes * More than two six packs of beer or an entire box of wine. * More than one bottle of Nyquil, even if it is taken with a meal *  Any mixture containing Jalapeno peppers, Chili Sauce and Oat Bran mixed together * Parsley, because it will stick to the gaps in your teeth. And, when you smile your mouth will look like Busch Gardens.

5.) GASTRIC ISSUES.

It is important to always remember my Grandmothers words, “It’s better fart and feel the shame than to hold it and bear the pain.” (She used to sound like a broken go kart). If you have to fart anytime that you are at their place, try coughing loudly while placing a couch pillow under your ass to mute the sound. Should it be somewhat on the stinky side, look for a house pet nearby and say, “ Wow, Scooter sure is gamey tonight”. When farting at a restaurant, turn around and glare at the person seated behind you. A note of caution here. If you have eaten or drank any or all of the items listed in number 4 above, it may be wise to go to the restroom and check for sharts. Make sure that the lighting is good in order to distinguish between the new skidmarks and the old ones.

Ladies and Gentlemen, start your engines. There’s more than a fifty fifty chance that you’ll never see this person again, so have fun.